hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
