I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
