i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
