If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
