We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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