he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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