I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
