bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
