I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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