Having a random hookup so left but love u
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
