I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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