If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
