i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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