Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
