I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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