So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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