I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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