Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
