i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
