I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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