I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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