I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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