i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
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He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
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I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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