i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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