Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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