I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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