R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Soap is not a condiment
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
