Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face