hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
