Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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