You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You're a waste of cheezeits
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
