I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I did not marry a roomba.
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