Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
