I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
