wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
