too bad you live with your parents still
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
