I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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