I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
