cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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