We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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