I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
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They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
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I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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