dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Randomize
