Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
