my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
