I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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