drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
