Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
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In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
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stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
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