I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She bit a glass in half.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
