My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
