Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
