im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
