Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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