that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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