what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
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You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
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My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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