Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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