fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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